Things I learned Last Year:
January 2, 2008
At Work
- My professionalism unpredictably ebbs and flows relative to my level of caffination.
- I rarely have the correct level of caffination
- And I quote “A dress code is a not a challenge, AJ. Just put on some shoes and we will ignore the rest”.
- Growing mug fungus cannot be justified as an HR intiative; nor can the resulting standoff with building services be defused by claming it’s “the moldy happenstance of my poisoned loins”.
- I would pretty much have to kill a guy to get fired.
The Efficiency objective part 2
March 7, 2007
I stalked back to my desk intent on leaving. As I sat, dissembling my blanket nest and security system, the members of my team gather around my pod. “Is it true, Poppa AJ; did they really lay you off?” asked Clophistra, the second most loyal of my work group.
I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eye: so I stared at one tit and the corner of my filing cabinet “Are calling me a liar, Clophistra?” The team growled ominously.
“What? No, You didn’t even say anything.” Oh she was good; she was damn good.
The Efficiency Objective: Part 1
November 27, 2006
I write this from a fortified coat room on the sixth floor. I pray that this missive makes it out as deteriorating network conditions, and casualties amongst the LAN group, make Internet access spotty at best. For all their willful cruelty, it was a failure of imagination that brought about our ruin. Let me back up a little, flashback styles:
(Let’s say a couple days ago)
The second I stepped into the building I knew the bastards were up to something. There was a quality to their cringing and slinking that was a little too self satisfied, like a cat licking shit off it’s whiskers. When I got to my cube the shittiest whiskered cat of them all, Carl from marketing, was perched on my desk.
“The director wants to see you AJ. Something about a new sales/efficiency initiative we’re enacting.”
My blood thickened and ran backwards. The last “Efficiency initiative” had cost us twenty men, and led to the surrender of all our parking spaces to the Elk’s Lodge across the street. I was so rattled I left for the Directors office without electrifying my cubicle, and Carl there on.
Bring your kids to work day: Part 2
November 1, 2006
(Continued from Bring your kids to work: Part 1)
Solidly in the zone now Kyle locked his gaze on his next victim. “Hey freak show, your dad was captured and forced to work in the mailroom.”
Chumzo the tiny Sasquatch wept bitterly into his huge hands. My boys had had enough.
Ricochet stepped in front of the weeping yeti and addressed his tormentor. “At least his father is working in this crap sack against his will. What’s your dad’s excuse?”
Lucifer move to the other side of Kyle. “We shouldn’t judge his old man too harshly Ricochet, he’s probably just trying to save up enough money to buy a better kid.” The two boys laughed in evil tandem.
Bring your kids to work day: Part 1
October 19, 2006
Yesterday was “bring your kids to work” day. For raw annoyance factor it is exceeded only by “Smash AJ in the nuts with a cast iron frying pan” day, and it’s a close second. Whatever benefit is accrued from press ganging a vanload of homely, disinterested children into witnessing the drudgery and sadness of office life, is vastly exceeded by the deep emotional scarring inflicted on them, and me. Did Eddie from Accounting’s twins really need to see him burrow into his cloak room shame pile and weep away his lunch hour? I think not. Read the rest of this entry »
Life in the Trenches
October 14, 2006
Our own AJ Valliant has a (serious?!) guest post up at //engtech about how to survive life as an office worker.
It almost makes me hate him a little less.
Almost.
Limited technical skills
October 8, 2006
I don’t have a real demanding job.
What little knowledge and skill it requires I learned the first couple weeks. The actual volume of work varies between light, and sleeping under my desk. I’m not even sure what it is my company does, and what role I might have in facilitating it. It would seem, to me at least, that this near total ignorance would impair my performance, but it really hasn’t. I consistently get stellar work reviews, so whatever it is I do apparently I’m good at it. It’s like they hired me by accident and now it’s just a waiting game until one of us cracks and admits there is no plausible reason I should be paid to come in and sit at my desk.
To kill a king?
September 29, 2006
A recent power vacuum has left my workplace in a state of disarray. My direct manager, and several other higher ups, were dismissed at last for gross incompetence. While Initially a source of good tidings the trickle down effects of this regime change soon proved calamitous. It’s seems one of the first issues discussed by the new bosses was my recent battlefield promotion to supervisor, in spite of my Limited technical skills. The entire team, and I, were called into a conference room to sort things out.
A forest of twill and cheap silk suits filled the narrow room; every pointdexter and pencil pansy I’d every come against was there to witness my undoing. In the center of the suckling mass of petty bureaucrats was our CEO (Name redacted for legal purposes).” So, AJ, I’ve been looking over some of the initiatives you’ve launched and I’m a little concerned about how you are utilizing your staff resources.” A dozen shanks were loosened in the sheaves of my loyal workers. “Beyond those specific issues I couldn’t help but notice you had no management experience prior to this new position”. A low, angry woodchuck like, keen issued from my panicked employees. I calmed them with stern gaze then replied to the CEO’s slanderous, if accurate, charges. “Yeah. So?” He met my glare and made his judgement “well unless you can show some reason not to, I’m going to have to appoint a more qualified person to your role”. The jackals licked their chops; a dramatic display of leadership was needed.
“Bring me the ten mightiest Kings of Europe and I will battle them one by one.” I demanded. Our CEO laid a calculating gaze on all parties, then nodded to his secretary.Three Kings were summoned and brought before me. To be honest it was at least two more than I expected them to have on hand, yet I remained undeterred. Read the rest of this entry »
The Siege
September 3, 2006
On very deep level I see my workplace as foreign, hostile place. The ease and openness I exude in my waking life contracts into a furtive ball the moment I swipe past those security doors. For the most part this is useful, and justified, adaptive functioning. I refuse to small talk, attend social ocassions, or address people by their correct names. My bathroom practices follow this need for distance: private handicap accommodations or nothing. It can complicate things, but there certain moments I have no interest in sharing.
Duplicitous cripples necessitating pony warfare.
July 31, 2006
There is a new lady at my work. I suspect she is evil and crazy.Now I am not one for snap judgements…no that’s not true, I almost exclusively make snap judgements, but in this case I feel wholly justified. Let me paint you a picture here: I arrived at the office slightly late, as I stopped to help a homeless reclaim his shattered dignity, and briskly made my way to my desk. My seasoned co-workers warmly greeted me and entreated that I stop and chat a while. I acknowledged their greetings but begged off conversation, as I am brooding man of mystery who must always remain apart, alone and unknowable, until the end. Just as I was about to settle in my boss, a cool lady, announced we had a new hire and suggested I introduce myself.
The initial introduction was fine. She was older lady, seemed alert and capable, a serious sort that would handle her business. Then my boss pointed out her tiny black dog in a fluorescent vest “Hey check out her adorable dog”". I did so. He looked up at me with eyes full of love, my heart swelled up two sizes, I reached out to pet the creature that would take away all the pain in my life… she hurled he self in front of me and declaimed “NO!, that’s a working dog and you’re not allowed to pay any attention to him”. Stunned at the turnaround I looked down at his little pink fluorescent vest and sure as spoken, written in bold black letters, was “I’m a working dog, please don’t pet me”. (It’s bad enough to drive away any source of affection but do they have to write it in the first person, as if he were so desperate to maintain his professionalism that the dog himself demanded they silk screen a warning on him).
Ok, I figured “maybe she’s blind or something, I can forgive her hideous cruelty”. So I watched her working, watched her reading the tiny ticketing screen with out issues, watched her listen attentively and pick up everything, watched her pick out my every fault and deed with her searching gaze. She can see fine, hear fine, and I am fairly sure the dog is not there to taste her food and report on it’s quality… so why? Why scam your way into getting a special handicap dog that you can bring to work, just to force it suffer through neglect and spirit crushing office conversation. My conclusion: She is feeling impaired. She has a black heart and sociopathic lack of conscience so the dog is there under court mandate to warn if she about to do something callous and hurtful, that to her soulless perception would seem a harmless act.
This has left me in the untenable position of having a wonderful dog, which loves me, six feet away yet I cannot touch or acknowledge in it any way. I just started thinking about the little guy and her dark chi swelled forth and stung my eyes. The only solution I can reckon is to engage in a little workplace Reductio ad absurdum and see if I can turn the tables.
First thing tomorrow I go down to my crooked doctor and get me a prescription for one of them massage ponies. I’ll stand the creepy bastard up behind my chair and have him work my traps and back, letting out little moans of pleasure “Oh yeah pony, do it two times, you touch me so wrong but it feels so good “, all day long. And not only will I not share my massage pony, they can’t look at it, talk to it, or speak of it to there friends. After a few weeks of that trip I can see the workplace policy on special pets undergoing a sudden paradigm shift.
I can only hope this forces her to become a less evil person and not drive her to smother her dog in thwarted rage.
