ASK B.E.: How do I make the Ladies love me?
August 6, 2008
Last night a magic Elf came to me in my dreams; the Elf he said “AJ, People don’t know shit ‘bout nothing. You gotta help ‘em out.” And I was all like “Yeah all right, Elf.” When A.J. Valliant makes a promise, he keeps a promise, so I’m obligated to lay some solid knowledge on you, my children’s.
Since I only know like eights things, I figure I’ll start at the top of the pile and help you folks with the old biological imperative:
How do I make the ladies love me?
( I want to stress from the outset this isn’t a list of misogynistic tricks to persuade guileless females to fall into your clutches. People, in general, have trouble relating and managing interpersonal contact, so these are some approaches to try and bridge the social divide . Almost all of the advice is gender neutral, but since I have only ever experienced being a man trying to romantically engage a women, I’m going to hit it from that perspective. )
Let me preface this guide with the following caveat: Historically I appeal most strongly to three specific subgroups of Femanity:
Superficial ditzy chicks with daddy complexes
Rather clever, quirky, strong willed ladies that are mildly antisocial
Cool chicks that just want to get their rocks off
*note: there is significant overlap between the last two
As the vast majority of my romantic congress has occurred within these three groups, I cannot speak to the broader efficacy of the information I am about present: I figure it’s decent in most cases though. The one big exception is group D) Shallow, status conscious, high maintenance woman. Lets just say there is a mutual We are not each others cup of tea understanding in place, and leave it at that. Let’s get down to business.
Beats Entropy: Consumer report
January 10, 2008
The walls and halls of BE headquarters run thick with wisdom, and red with blood. Our combined life experience (when collated by the Arbitron 6500) prove a powerful panacea against ignorance and wrong-headedness. It is thus our responsibility to share our wisdom on all things, with you. Today we turn our savvy to the world of purchasable’s, in our new feature: BE Consumer report.
I was going to give a detailed breakdown of the scoring system, but you’re not retards, and I’m a little tired today. I’ll get right to business and leave the fine details for next edition. In a effort to give you informed commentary I will confine my reviews to products and services that I have actually acquired. Prepare yourself!
Beats Entropy Shame Scale
May 23, 2007
Earlier this morning a co-worker confessed that he was ashamed of a mistake that he’d made on his last call. When I pressured as to the exact level of shamedness he proved unable to quantify it. I dearly wanted to savour his sweet disgrace, but the lack of precise measure put me off my feed. It’s thus that I come up with an exact scale of shameful occurrence…that one might accurately convey how low they have fallen.
BEATS ENTROPY SHAME SCALE
0-Eatting a slice of delicious toast in the privacy of your own home
1-Having the slice of toast fall on the floor but eating it anyways
2-Farting at a public urinal
3-Forgetting your password in front of a Chinese Co-worker
4-Having your pants pulled down at a Harlem globe trotters game.
Let me tell you something kids: bad parenting has spawned more wars, financial empires, and medical advancement then Allah, Pussy, and bad poetry combined. More specificly: Egotistical old men bent on achieving vicarious acclaim through their sons; big picture hockey dads railroading their promising youths in tragic greatness at any cost. In this next set of “AJ Valliant Arbitrarily ranks: The Greatest Men in history” I will be examining these prodigal sons, and the price paid for an old mans hubris. (well, several old men).
CONTINUED FROM JESUS AND MALCOLM X
SPIDERMAN
BREAKDOWN:
Like all great men Peter started in the gutter. Orphaned, awkward, a pointdexter pariah that couldn’t even get his science on without being bitten by a radioactive spider. The only women in his early life was his 117 year old aunt; the only male role model, an uncle who’s death he was indirectly responsible for. And then he got Powers[1].
It was Bens death that taught him the big lesson “With great power, comes great responsibility”. A little dry and preachy on the surface, but when you interpret it the way Peter did it’s as poignant a guiding principle as any. Get this: essentially the greater your power and influence is, the higher your obligation to use that power for your fellowman…regardless of the impact on your own happiness. There is depersonalization; a shifting of your locus of being from self centered identity, to a force in service of an ideal.
What Spiderman got more than any other hero, was that to really serve society you have to be fully immersed in it, but never really belong. You suffer as the masses do, but you cannot turn to them for comfort and connection. He was painfully apart from his world but never turned away: no fortress of solitude, billionaire bat cave, or clubhouse of peers to share the burden. He understood that the price of greatness is to be everything for them, but not them.
Continued from Jesus
Next part SPIDERMAN
Malcolm X
Breakdown :
By any means Necessary. By all means necessary. You do, what you got to do…what you got to do. Race baiter, instigator, emancipator, and militant Muslim before it was cool; Mr X was a radical with teeth who refused to share a bed with his oppressor. He was also a drug dealer, robber, honour student, and hustler; a man who lived every drop of his world and regularly found it wanting. He stepped up from the gutter and became the symbol and engine for the edgier side of the civil rights movement. Then he died.
I am not a great man. I’m a pretty good man with occasional delusions of competence, but I have a somewhat grounded assessment of my relative historical importance. I’ve spawned no zeitgeists, freed no peoples, and altered no paradigm. To be honest I still feel a rush of pride when I do my dishes and laundry on the same day. While slightly dispiriting, this relative lack existential impact in no way precludes me from judging the actions of men far greater than I. If anything my near total lack of accomplishment make me even more qualified, as I have no pressures to distract, and no rival claim to put forth.
For this first edition we will be focusing on martyrs: men of principle whose greatness was inexorably bound to there suffering.
Let’s get down to business.
AJ Valliant Arbitrarily ranks: Lies people told me as child
February 7, 2007
As an adult I have, at best, a passing acquaintance with objective reality. As a child I was naïve and delusional enough I was just this[1] side of retarded. The adults, fellow children, and occasional woodland creatures in my life took no small pleasure is exploiting this retardation by telling me wildly implausible lies. In a attempt to bring some closure to the malicious deraignment I suffered, I have decided to program some of the incidents into the Arbitron 6500, that it might rank them relative to each other. I will then use this information to assess the exact amount of grudge I should bear. Though this seems petty and bitter I assure you it’s all in the name of science.
(I must stress all of these lies actually were directed at me as a child)
AJ Valliant Arbitrarily Ranks :The Socialist Nations of the world
January 24, 2007
We, the people of Earth, sit simmering in a vast ideological stew, rife with polarizing magnets of political reification. Why (you might ask) would someone put magnets into a stew? Because taste and reason fall to the wayside when we try and codify a way of life into a morally justified system of governance. Also I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night so my metaphors are not what they could be.
In this edition of “A.J. Valliant Arbitrarily Ranks The Nations of the world” we examine nations flying the flag of the charmingly broken Socialist/Marxist/Communist/Granola mandate.
AJ Valliant Arbitrarily Ranks: Nations that broke my heart
December 14, 2006
Oh my babies, my beloved readers, it’s with a heavy heart and tear soaked keyboard that I bring you this edition of “AJ Valliant Arbitrarily Ranks: the nations of the world.” For today I rank the countries that broke my heart: Russia, Ireland, Kamchatka. I haven’t the strength for more of an intro.
AJ Valliant arbitrarily ranks: The Nations of the World, Fundamentals
November 30, 2006
The first two rankings
Don’t get too close to the stove kids, poppa’s cooking some hot soup that might just burn this mother down. For this weeks Arbitrary ranking I decided to go with somewhat of a theme pack : Countries dominated by fundamentalist religious regimes. Should anyone from one of these beautiful religions of peace feel the need to explode me, I would ask that you show some restraint and simply gun me down in the street, to minimize collateral damage.
Just so there’s no mistakes this is me posing shamelessly in a wedding dress :
I walk down Albert Street , between Bay and Bank, a lot so you can probably clip me there if you are patient. I’m usually not wearing the dress so don’t let that throw you off.
Enough diplomacy, lets get down to business.
AJ Valliant arbitrarily ranks: The Nations of the World, Japan and such
November 15, 2006
In the previous editon we ran down Canada, Germany, and North Korea; it was pretty awesome, but left the job far from done. Here’s round two: Japan, Iraq, and Switzerland.
AJ Valliant Arbitrarily Ranks: The Nations of the World.
November 8, 2006
Let me tell you something: The nations of the world have been getting free ride here at Beats Entropy for too long. In our early stages I was willing to allow them to coast on reputation and meaningless U.N. surveys (when assessing their relative worth). I fear this laissez-faire approach has given them a false sense of security in regards to our affection; made some of them let themselves go to a unacceptable degree. Time to rectify the situation.
I present you with the inaugural edition of: AJ Valliant arbitrarily ranks the Nations of the World.
