Smaller than I seem
March 10, 2008
I weighed myself yesterday. I am 190lbs; ten pounds from two hundred, largely muscle. Standing six foot and broad shouldered, if fine boned, this is a fairly unremarkable amount of bulk… in terms of distance from the mean. But the dissonance, the lag in my perception, makes it strange. Read the rest of this entry »
Of late, writing has felt like
March 6, 2008
a broke leg spider pulling bad silk on a windy day: laying down half fractal tangles full of laughing flies on short term layover.
Letter Day 107: A brief interlude
February 26, 2008
As soon as I finish the songs I sings, I’ve already forgotten the words. The second I figure the meaning of things, the sounds becomes absurd. Letter Day won’t fix my problems; who the hell are you to judge? Lets get down to business.
*****
What advertising slogans do you hate the most and why?
Rodney
It’s more the dance, than the slogan, but I hate that Hey PeptoBismol jig. I can deal with the nausea, upset stomach, and heart burn parts… but the Diarrhea portion of the dance, wherein they place two hands over their rears (presumably to stem a hot gusher of crap) while grimacing, is unpardonable. Let me tell you something: I’ve had diarrhea before; I did not dance, I did not sing, and trying to contain the pressure manually would have resulted in two rank and scalded hands, shame filthed and forever unusable. How dare they teach that to children. Read the rest of this entry »
Infamous Danish Cartoon: Assholes are artists, too.
February 21, 2008
“People who jump up and down suggesting that printing this cartoon is a matter of free speech, are right. But free speech doesn’t mean free from consequences.”
The intent of a free society is not that we can act without retribution, but that that retribution will be of kind. Laws are upheld by force, ideas are contested with ideas. If I say something wrong, show me my error. If I say something hurtful and misinformed, denounce me as an ill thought bully. If I attack your religion as thuggish and brutal, show me it’s beauty and worth.
As long as it is not actively inciting hate against someone, I have the right say whatever ever I want, free from intimidation, threats, and blackmail. The wounded party has commensurate rights. If a group cannot respond on the plane of ideas, and must resort to harassment and intimidation for redressment, then they have failed as a civilized member of society and need to be driven from our shores.
Beats Entropy: Pettiness Scale
February 19, 2008
Not a lot of people know this: I am currently serving five years probation for trapping three minstrels in a well. They weren’t great minstrels, and it was pretty big well, but such conduct is frowned upon in the nations capital. The exact charges levied were “engaging in thirsty deeds of anger” and “contralute’nal conduct”. The whole thing was a goddamn frame up[1], but my third rate Albanian lawyer sold me out for a roll of toilet paper and signed picture of Winnie Mandela.
I was hoping for leniency, but apparently my assertion that it was a momentary act of passion[2] was undermined by me having commissioned three blacksmiths to make huge farthings I could throw down onto them[3]. They (the courts) even disregarded my sweet “Minstrel cycle” defense[4].
As part of my rehabilitation I’m suppose to produce written proof that I am developing proper awareness of inappropriate behavior, and a increased ability to make value judgments. So I figure doing a objecting ranking of petty acts should qualify on both counts.
Thus I give you: The Beats Entropy Pettiness Scale.
Letter Day 101: Slam Politics
February 13, 2008
I been down, but I ain’t beat; I been gone, but I ain’t dead. If I must be condemned let it be for one of these two truths:
1. I am not a helicopter.
2. Letter Day is late.
Enough lament. Let us get down the business.
—————————
So what do think about the upcoming presidential election?
Julie C.
Vetterburg, VA
Showdown in Gay Town
February 6, 2008
(The following is true accounting of my Saturday night. I realize it sounds surreal and implausible…but it happened pretty much as recounted. My life is kind of strange).
6:15 Feb 2nd
My friend Sandra called and suggested we play in the snow. After some negotiation it was agreed we would don matching black Albanian snow suits [1] and tackle snow piles. Upon discovering a hundred foot mound, outside an abandoned public school, I leapt and slid with the grace of thousand frozen Otters. The majesty of our display earned the gaze and unspoken scorn of all that passed.
Eventually conditions within the snowsuits reached sub tropical humidity. Soaked in sweat, and the skidoo unguents of several generations, we retired to a bagel shop to plan our next course of action.
Ask BE: Why is he even commenting on our looks?
January 31, 2008
Today’s Ask BE is in response to a question/comment brought to us Via a third party: loyal BE reader Stiletto. In a post she made about a fetish party she had attended, I made some rather unflattering comments about her fellow party goers. One of the unfortunate chaps took umbrage at my unsolicited assessment, and directed some vitriol up yonder. In true BE spirit I will cheerfully address a secondary readers concerns and slander.
As Stil did not indicate which participant was the wounded party we can only speculate as to whether it was:
- Creepy Uncle Charlie in the gauze sleeves?
-The ethnic waiter?
-Fred Penner in the red plastic bowling shirt?
-The Bonaduce fan club president? (Not pictured above)
Though she is a wig bashing stache hater, B-Fat has pretty good taste in Music.
The two best tracks.
AJ Valliant: 70’s porn star.
January 27, 2008
Even though we did not win a Bloggy, Poppa AJ appreciates your efforts. As means of recognizing the votes we did receive, I combed the archives and found this Polaroid from my brief career as 1970’s porn star*.
*Yes I have time machine, and no you cannot borrow it. I risk a time paradox even showing this picture to you. Should it start to fade then you know I have negated my own existence: such is Poppa AJ’s love for you.
Ask B.E.: Why 4 my blog ain’t no good?
January 24, 2008
We here, at Beats Entropy, try our best to answer all reader correspondence. Due to the (literally) thousands of letters we receive, this proves difficult, emotionally draining, and physically debilitative. Yet we do it…because Poppa AJ loves you. On occasion we receive a question that requires an answer too lengthy for letter day, and too helpful to be given on the lowdown.
Loyal Reader Mike Relatively suggested the following
“I demand an Ask AJ column where we can write in and ask AJ how to deal with the day to day events of our lives.
Make it so”
So, in an effort to placate the rabbling masses, we shall undertake just such an endeavor. Send your life questions here and we will attempt to elucidate and efficifise your difficulties.
This first column will be dedicated to subject we are asked about daily. While the phrasings and senders vary, the query breaks down as : Dear BE; how come nobody likes my blog?
(I will refrain from pointing out the specific blog(s) in question, as our intent is to edify, not shame.)
Letter Day 47: For fun or Prophet.
January 21, 2008
Deep in the heart of Dreamtime there stands rock shaped like a Fathers Lament. Were you to climb this rock, a thousand fathoms to the top, you would see the edges of the word of god…and the only discernable erg would beckon. L E T T E R DAY. Let’s get down to business.
******
Are really going to post naked Pictures if you win a Bloggy?
Dina,
Because Poppa AJ pays his debts
January 21, 2008
One Quarter of One Million
January 18, 2008
On July 28, 2006, the Leviathan shook and shuddered in deepest depths; Jesus wept and moaned; the pants of Allah fell ankle low, and have yet be retrieved: Beats Entropy was born. squalling and bloody. A precociously urbane hypocrite (like a cigar chomping baby quoting Marx while sending wave after wave of strike breakers to crush the union agitators) begat by lies and boredom.
Our initial mandate was clear : Kill All Betrayers. We got 8 hits that first day. I blame my fondness for cluttered run on sentences, and a historically weak betrayer market, for the poor initial showing. I retooled, gather co-conspirers, and stopped exposing myself at bus stations. The changes quickly paid dividends: in terms of increased webtraffic, and reduced vigilante action. Read the rest of this entry »
