Ask BE: A question of decency
May 15, 2008
“I fear for my moral well being. Could you please rate the fruits and vegetables in terms of their inherent decency
Lucas Darden”
You set difficult task, Lucas. I’m not really a proponent of objective morality to begin with, and my dietary choices offers limited opportunity for vegetable dalliance, but a question is a question….so I’ll give it a shot.
(Ranked in descending order from Most to Least Decent. The Majority fruits and vegetables are fairly neutral, so I will emphasis the less reliable of their ilk.)
Vegetables/Fruits/Tubers ranked in order of their moral forthrightness
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How are doing today[1]?
Ariel
Concerned Stranger
I’m feeling a little off, to be honest. I don’t know if it was a water pressure issue, or the different angles of my ladies friends shower, but I couldn’t get my balls unsoapy this morning. And I’m not talking a light residue; I was surrounded by a frothy mankini that resisted all the standard abolutions. I almost gave myself a damn faucet enema, yet still my scrotum would not remit its soapy bounty. Vexing. Read the rest of this entry »
They drop babies off a fifty foot building…for luck…and good health.
What is the rational here: You do something so brutally unthinkable off the bat, that things are bound, statistical speaking, to improve for the child? Or perhaps the inevitable brain damage they suffer gives them a sunny disposition…that could be mistaken for life long happiness. Or, more likely, the process (and the concrete) simply weeds out unlucky children from their more fortunate brethren. Darwin’s retarded step sister at work.
Letter Day 40: Letters n’ stuff
April 25, 2008
It’s too nice a day for intros. Let’s get down to business.
******
“When is it appropriate to use a smiley (or emoticons in general)?
Joshua Filmore”
It is appropriate when you are:
-Posing as 13 year old to catch a child predator
-A child predator trying to disguise your real age
-(ironically) applying one, following a scathing personal assault on someone
Ie. I’m sorry god twisted your womb and made you barren in punishment for being such a bitch ;)
-High as shit
Angst and Basketball
April 21, 2008
I spent three and half hours, on a perfect Sunday afternoon, drafting an imaginary NBA team in a league I will likely never play in. The other twenty eight people that were supposed to be in the league no showed the draft, so it was just Rob and I talking trash, while a soulless computer hustled us into a series of bad decisions and interpersonal conflicts.
ASK B.E.: Baby names?
April 15, 2008
My wife and I are about to have our first child. While we are good people, we are not creative people. I do not want my child to be dammed by a bland name, or stigmatized by an lame or ill fitting one. Could you please help us suss this issue out, and come up with a suitable list of candidates.
Daniel Maitland,
Portland, Ore
You were right to come to us, Daniel: few factors shape a child destiny like poorly chosen name. There are a few factors to consider:
- Does the name, in and of it’s self, suck?
- Does the name set a unreasonable standard of cool to live up to?
- Is it gender appropriate?
- Is it French?
- Did you ever bang a crazy girl/guy that happened to have that name?
Let’s address these issues one by one, together, like a family.
*Note: I’m not going to rag on the really foreign ones: people from places without potable water already know their names are ridiculous, no need to rub it in.
******* Read the rest of this entry »
My Diary: Why I can’t go to Bridgehead anymore
April 8, 2008
In my mental makeup decency is layered last, and predicated on sufficient rest. The AJ at large is kind, courteous, gentlemanly…but this is a sleep fuelled façade, held in place by social necessity, and daily habit. On this particular day I had not slept for a fortnight [1], and my better nature was frayed near through. In an effort to jump start my nervous system I went to bridgehead[2] to get some coffee. The visit went as such
7:15 am
I enter store. A large line of hippies, trendy government jerks, and bike couriers are ahead of me. The dreadlocked ( lame Caucasian kind) fellow in front of me has a burlap purse. I asked him “where can I buy a wicker purse like that”. He told me it was a hemp, and a satchel. I informed him it was only a satchel if it was filled with C-4, otherwise it was a purse…and hemp was only good for making inedible biscuits, and paper thin excuses to grow pot. He turned up his Ipod.
ASK BE: political-fantasy-satirical-romance novel
March 17, 2008
“your comic misogyny aside, a lot of that was seriously entertaining prose (the post, not the adolescent rant above). You should write a political-fantasy-satirical-romance novel. Okay, minus the romance bit, though it’d boost sales.”
The Mysterious Baredfeetandteeth
Technically more a suggestion, than a question proper; but an oddly prescient one. Though I have never mentioned it before now, I have been working on just such a novel for the better part of three years. Due to publisher oversight I can only post a short excerpt. There are a few autobiographical touches, but mostly it’s a allegorical study on the nature of power, and mans desire for fundamental connection.
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Breakdown:
The devils is in the details, and Hillary…well, she’s always been detail oriented.
You know that ultra achieving keener chick in high school? The one that runs the mock UN, Student council, and all the pep rallies. Well Hillary killed and ate the hearts of forty of them, and used their bones to make a throne of nacre, gristle, and woe.
A lawyer by nine, a lauded academic by twelve, she hit the ground running with more raw potential than a non-rapist Kennedy. Laser smart and brilliantly ambitious she had a future as huge as the voluminous skirts she used to hide her hefty balls. Then she met slick Willie styles, and was charm blasted into being an unheralded adjunct to the philander general. She hitched her wagon to that rutting stud, and rode the old shame trail straight to the White House. Years later they made her a Senator for her trouble.
By design Beats Entropy is largely non partisan, and broadly irrelevant, in the scope of world affairs. Neither are we pundits, nor participants, in the political process. To be honest most of are partially illiterate, and at least one a registered sex offender [1]. While this keeps us from voting, it does not dispel our fascination with the surreal disgrace poetry that is American Politics. More specifically: the presidential race. Thus we have decided to enter the polemic, and weigh in on the candidates in a substantive manner.
In the past I have made my preferences known, but you can be assured I am professional enough to put that aside and give a unbiased analysis on the pieces in play. Above all I am a journalist, and I will not shame the oath I swore all those months ago.
Over the next few days I will be breaking down the Candidates one by one: examining their polices, personal merits, historys, and peccadilloes of note. It is my intent shine the pure light reason bright enough that the true front runner will become clear. Let’s get down to business.
Smaller than I seem
March 10, 2008
I weighed myself yesterday. I am 190lbs; ten pounds from two hundred, largely muscle. Standing six foot and broad shouldered, if fine boned, this is a fairly unremarkable amount of bulk… in terms of distance from the mean. But the dissonance, the lag in my perception, makes it strange. Read the rest of this entry »
Of late, writing has felt like
March 6, 2008
a broke leg spider pulling bad silk on a windy day: laying down half fractal tangles full of laughing flies on short term layover.
Letter Day 107: A brief interlude
February 26, 2008
As soon as I finish the songs I sings, I’ve already forgotten the words. The second I figure the meaning of things, the sounds becomes absurd. Letter Day won’t fix my problems; who the hell are you to judge? Lets get down to business.
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What advertising slogans do you hate the most and why?
Rodney
It’s more the dance, than the slogan, but I hate that Hey PeptoBismol jig. I can deal with the nausea, upset stomach, and heart burn parts… but the Diarrhea portion of the dance, wherein they place two hands over their rears (presumably to stem a hot gusher of crap) while grimacing, is unpardonable. Let me tell you something: I’ve had diarrhea before; I did not dance, I did not sing, and trying to contain the pressure manually would have resulted in two rank and scalded hands, shame filthed and forever unusable. How dare they teach that to children. Read the rest of this entry »
Infamous Danish Cartoon: Assholes are artists, too.
February 21, 2008
“People who jump up and down suggesting that printing this cartoon is a matter of free speech, are right. But free speech doesn’t mean free from consequences.”
The intent of a free society is not that we can act without retribution, but that that retribution will be of kind. Laws are upheld by force, ideas are contested with ideas. If I say something wrong, show me my error. If I say something hurtful and misinformed, denounce me as an ill thought bully. If I attack your religion as thuggish and brutal, show me it’s beauty and worth.
As long as it is not actively inciting hate against someone, I have the right say whatever ever I want, free from intimidation, threats, and blackmail. The wounded party has commensurate rights. If a group cannot respond on the plane of ideas, and must resort to harassment and intimidation for redressment, then they have failed as a civilized member of society and need to be driven from our shores.
Beats Entropy: Pettiness Scale
February 19, 2008
Not a lot of people know this: I am currently serving five years probation for trapping three minstrels in a well. They weren’t great minstrels, and it was pretty big well, but such conduct is frowned upon in the nations capital. The exact charges levied were “engaging in thirsty deeds of anger” and “contralute’nal conduct”. The whole thing was a goddamn frame up[1], but my third rate Albanian lawyer sold me out for a roll of toilet paper and signed picture of Winnie Mandela.
I was hoping for leniency, but apparently my assertion that it was a momentary act of passion[2] was undermined by me having commissioned three blacksmiths to make huge farthings I could throw down onto them[3]. They (the courts) even disregarded my sweet “Minstrel cycle” defense[4].
As part of my rehabilitation I’m suppose to produce written proof that I am developing proper awareness of inappropriate behavior, and a increased ability to make value judgments. So I figure doing a objecting ranking of petty acts should qualify on both counts.
Thus I give you: The Beats Entropy Pettiness Scale.
