Ask B.E.: How do I make the ladies love me, part 2
August 6, 2008
(Continued from :How do I make the ladies love me, part 1)
Step 4: Make a move
If you want proceed past the tingly acquaintance phase you need to make a move at some point. Cringing hopefully in the corner of a lady friend’s life won’t get you laid, and it won’t get you loved… it will give you a front row seat to emotional masochist theatre. I cannot emphasis this enough: don’t be that creepy friend, with a poorly concealed crush, who spends his days bad mouthing boyfriends and making angsty mixed tapes. Being an ultra supportive (duplicitous) friend doesn’t entitle you to love you wouldn’t risk the hit for. Devotion without disclosure is obsession. It’s is not romantic… it is a selfish, unhappy, deception.
What you should do:
Read the signs. People are self defeating assholes, that engage in retarded, defective, random behavior (to feed the thousand tiny mouths of conflicting desire). As such it can be difficult to properly suss out the intentional landscape of a prospective lady friend. Still, you can avoid an emotional paddling or two if you apply a little deductive due diligence.
ASK B.E.: How do I make the Ladies love me?
August 6, 2008
(Note: Reposted as Part 2 will be coming out today-ish)
Last night a magic Elf came to me in my dreams; the Elf he said “AJ, People don’t know shit ‘bout nothing. You gotta help ‘em out.” And I was all like “Yeah all right, Elf.” When A.J. Valliant makes a promise, he keeps a promise, so I’m obligated to lay some solid knowledge on you, my children’s.
Since I only know like eights things, I figure I’ll start at the top of the pile and help you folks with the old biological imperative:
How do I make the ladies love me?
( I want to stress from the outset this isn’t a list of misogynistic tricks to persuade guileless females to fall into your clutches. People, in general, have trouble relating and managing interpersonal contact, so these are some approaches to try and bridge the social divide . Almost all of the advice is gender neutral, but since I have only ever experienced being a man trying to romantically engage a women, I’m going to hit it from that perspective. )
Let me preface this guide with the following caveat: Historically I appeal most strongly to three specific subgroups of Femanity:
Superficial ditzy chicks with daddy complexes
Rather clever, quirky, strong willed ladies that are mildly antisocial
Cool chicks that just want to get their rocks off
*note: there is significant overlap between the last two
As the vast majority of my romantic congress has occurred within these three groups, I cannot speak to the broader efficacy of the information I am about present: I figure it’s decent in most cases though. The one big exception is group D) Shallow, status conscious, high maintenance woman. Lets just say there is a mutual We are not each others cup of tea understanding in place, and leave it at that. Let’s get down to business.
The shape of a life
July 30, 2008
A week’s wandered by since my sudden change in employment status. Strange days my friends: strange days that glom and stretch together in an unpredictable fashion. I haven’t had a week off in five years. My brain doesn’t know how to process this much unbroken time. I feel like some hard case corporate recidivist given parole: after eight years of sharpening spoons and fighting off boardroom buggery I don’t know how to live on the outside. I keep trying to exchange cigarettes for extra prescription benefits.
Letter Day Omega: Tales from a future hobo
July 28, 2008
It’s been a long week. No intro today. Lets get down to business.
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What would the moral implications of eating a “My Little Pony” be? Assuming they were real. Is it worse than eating a Dolphin? Than punching a Unicorn in the face? Making love to a Teddy Ruxpin doll you’d implanted with a recording begging you to stop?
Davos in Chicago
That’s a tough question, Davos. It asks what obligation do we have to other species? How much weight, if any, sentience/intelligence plays in that obligation? And why Teddy would dress like that if he didn’t want us to take a voyage on his magical airship?
I’m going to need to bust out a mini assessment scale to provide some clarity on this issue.
A parting of ways
July 23, 2008
Like all break ups, I expected it…but I was off on the timing. My surreally brief decade [1 ] of corporate employment ended in quiet conversation, Tuesday morning. It was a cool, form letter, discussion on their part. A bemused and grinning one on mine. They weren’t allowed to discuss their motivation, beyond informing me, repeatedly, it was a “business decision”. That’s akin to answering “Why are you hitting me?” with “My arms make the bat go down”: accurate, but willfully obtuse.
A curious omission: Part 3
July 21, 2008
CONTINUED FROM PART 1 and PART 2
There are three kinds of friends: false, true, and products of circumstance. I’ve only ever had the energy for the third; easy, extinguishable, bonds of mild consideration. This is no slight on my friends (though they are, by and large, terrible people), just a hitch in my perception: I don’t see the point. Situations are fluid, and I… am a man of questionable buoyancy. I’ve contested that point in the past. Unsuccessfully.
Tom found me on the steps. I‘d been there a time. He was as drunk as he thought I. Still, he hauled me into the living room of our shared apartment with comedic efficiency. He then made an egg (left in the pan), drank a gallon of water, and came to rest in approximately the same heap I occupied. He slept; my mind wandered in slow convolutions.
Ask BE: What should I say in a job interview?
July 16, 2008
The prestige of having been employed in the same entry level job for seven years (without promotion) has lead many of our readers to seek my advice in career matters[1]. Traditionally, I answer via private correspondence (mostly with biting personal commentary and ugly sexual innuendo), but a recent wave of joblessness among my cohort has convinced to disseminate my wisdom in a more public fashion.
As my expertise is largely rooted in matters rhetorical, I will approach the topic as such. My time in the business world has taught me exactly one thing: context in more important than content. Being able to frame information in a self-constructive fashion is the entirety of the battle; master the spin, and you win.
Thus I give you Ask BE: What should I say in a job interview
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The Statement: I’m not afraid to cut a nigga if he gets too close!
While this assertion could potentially establish your stret cred, your interviewer is unlikely to draw any positive inference from it. Additionally: if the interviewer does haphazardly wander too close…you will need to cut him, or risk losing any previously accrued street credentials[2].
How you should couch it: I have a strong commitment to personal space, and am a highly motivated self starter (with a strong appreciation for the importance of reputation).
So you want to be an A.J.?
July 13, 2008
Fairwell to the Chud cave
July 8, 2008
I moved again. This will be my 14th home in the past ten years. There are murderous drifters that maintain a more static address. Mind, every house has been within an eight block radius: more pacing, I suppose, than wandering proper. I’m not sure if it’s boredom with status quo that drives me, or just a delayed awareness of a poor initial choice…repeatedly. Read the rest of this entry »
Beats Entropy: Inappropriate Comment scale.
June 25, 2008
While talking to my associates over tacos, I accidentally mixed my metaphors[1] and declared “I feel as unwanted as a Black Step Child”. While funny, the hostile glares it garnered from our fellow dinners suggested it may have been a tad inappropriate. The next day at work, while reading this article, about a 7′3 sex offender, I commented “wow, I bet that guy could molest 3 kids at once”. I was not endorsing the morality of his vile deed, I was merely marvelling over the efficiency with which he could execute them[2]. My boss suggested this was less than appropriate workplace commentary.
In both cases my intentions were pure, but my judgement was flawed. If only there had been some means of weighing the potential negative impact of a given statement; some standards to measure against. Then I thought “hey… I have supercomputer capable of ranking subjective things in a absolute manner[3], why don’t I lay it down for my childrens”.
So here ya go: The Beats Entropy: Inappropriate Comment scale.
Keep in mind these statements are not intentionally malicious, rather they are progressively ill considered.
I’m powerless
June 14, 2008
Not before the eyes of an unknowable god; we have an understanding. Rather, Ottawa Hydro shut off my electricity. There were vauge claims made towards unpaid bills, hurtful words were exchanged, night descended. The nonpayment was the result of my limited conception of time, and lacking a key to my mailbox, as opposed to some financial insolvency.
My usual reminder to pay the bill comes in form of red pamphlet, hammered into my door with a railroad spike, to the effect of: “Pay yo’ bill cracka…we will cut you”. I then pay my bill. On this particular occasion they cut straight to the end game and stoneaged me without warning…a direct violation of our unspoken covenant. In protest I ate cereal, alone, in the dark…then lay down on what I hope was my bed.
Letter Day, 014: Vampyrrhic victory
June 12, 2008
I know been gone baby, but I’ve been in your hearts (and in some cases homes) all the while. I Ain’t got time for excuses, and I’m running low on ink, so let’s get down to business.
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Where the hell have you been? What are you doing? Why haven’t you posted? Do you not feel some responsibility to your readers?
About a half dozen people
The Internets
In Order: Round about’s, not a whole lot, creative back pressure, a little.
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I am an aspiring writer. How do you keep your edge?
Justin Martin
You break off little pieces down the line until the sides are almost touching.
A curious omission: Part 2
May 30, 2008
CONTINUED FROM PART 1 and CONTINUED IN PART 3
There were three killers in my freshman class: two soldiers, and a hobbyist. The hobbyist hung himself in jail; the soldiers died in non consecutive incidents of friendly fire. I can’t help but think the hobbyist had the more successful life; if nothing else he had control and purpose. The soldiers just were until they weren’t. This makes me feel unpatriotic. As does my lack of patriotism. There should be a word for wanting to have pride in something: maybe wan…tide. Wantide: that works, like a tide too weak to reach the shore. I’ve been walking for hours, why can’t I find my house?
A curious omission: Part 1
May 28, 2008
I don’t know if it was the smoking, or the nagging, that finally killed me. I’d like to think it was the smoking: there had been a slow burn suicide pact between us, and it’d be nice to have held up my end of the bargain. Either way my body quit, ran down like a rotted clock in the rain, leaving me little in the way of prospects.
The first difficulty, in situations such as mine, is what to do with the body. A corpse, unlike a person, always belongs to someone; it cannot be ignored. Discovery alone suffices investment, creating negative ownership pressure that must be addressed. With this in mind I awaited some resolution. Read the rest of this entry »
BLIND PARENTS DEMAND BLIND CHILDREN
Note the Video above. A congenitally deaf couple has decided that they want to produce a child through invitrofertilization. They are planning on sorting through all of the potential embryos, and selecting the one which will be guaranteed to produce a deaf person…like them, and their other daughter. Allow me to restate that for clarity: they are using genetic screening to insure a pre crippled child that properly matches their special little family.
They, of course, bristle at the notion that deafness is detrimental in anyway, and see a law being passed to prevent deliberate selection of defective embryos, as discrimination against the deaf. They assert that, were they to not choose a little deaf baby, it would be tantamount to admitting they are handicapped in someway…as opposed to belonging to the exclusive, and oh so trendy, deaf subculture.
I will go a long way to prove a point…and I can respect trying to make the best of a rough deal…but eventually you move past a maintaining a brave front, and into delusional bravado. I’m going to make a controversial statement here: given the choice, it is better to not be Deaf or Blind, than it is being deaf or blind. The Garfield’s would disagree with me on that…but the Garfield’s, are fucking retarded. Perhaps[1] not retarded in the classic developmental sense, but possessing a lack of perspective so glaring it vastly overshadows their auditory deficiencies.
