The Beats Entropy: AJ Valliant’s Legacy scale
July 16, 2009
In an effort to be more productive I’ve been framing whatever I get done from 8am to 5pm as my daily legacy. My delusion has progressed to where I see these tiny, short-lived, diurnal archeologists floating in the periphery waiting to judge what I’ve wrought come the end time of dusk. While no more productive [1], this has made me vastly more paranoid and guilty. Additionally: I’ve been forced to consider the broader legacy of my life.
At 33 years old I have spent at least one third of the AJ dollars I have been karmically allotted: it is time to take stock of how well that money has been spent. As is our custom round these parts I will organize the deeds of my life into a highly scientific ascending scale of significance. The lower the number, the less impact the deed had in terms of my overall legacy. I will not assign the deeds a positive or negative score; my judgment will be the prerogative of history alone.
The Beats Entropy: AJ Valliant’s Legacy scale
Genetic Outrage
May 14, 2009
Did you read this: http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/05/13/genes.patent.myriad/index.html
They are patenting pure human genes, so if anyone develops medical treatments direct at them the corporation has to given their permission first (and wet their beak on any future profits). What the fuck. Where does rank on your outrage scale?
Ethan Morrow,
Former citizen of the Democratic Republic of the United States of America
***
Damn, that is a bigger slap in the face than actually being slapped in the face. The idea that the fundament of our being is property is offensive enough, but that the motivation for making it property is to ensure people can’t treat disease for free: that takes a special kind of shamelessness. It is getting to the point where they will patent the Hard-On and I’ll have to sleep with an elastic band around my junk to keep my morning wood from driving me to financial ruin.
Beats Entropy: Inappropriate Comment scale.
June 25, 2008
While talking to my associates over tacos, I accidentally mixed my metaphors[1] and declared “I feel as unwanted as a Black Step Child”. While funny, the hostile glares it garnered from our fellow dinners suggested it may have been a tad inappropriate. The next day at work, while reading this article, about a 7′3 sex offender, I commented “wow, I bet that guy could molest 3 kids at once”. I was not endorsing the morality of his vile deed, I was merely marvelling over the efficiency with which he could execute them[2]. My boss suggested this was less than appropriate workplace commentary.
In both cases my intentions were pure, but my judgement was flawed. If only there had been some means of weighing the potential negative impact of a given statement; some standards to measure against. Then I thought “hey… I have supercomputer capable of ranking subjective things in a absolute manner[3], why don’t I lay it down for my childrens”.
So here ya go: The Beats Entropy: Inappropriate Comment scale.
Keep in mind these statements are not intentionally malicious, rather they are progressively ill considered.
Ask BE: A question of decency
May 15, 2008
“I fear for my moral well being. Could you please rate the fruits and vegetables in terms of their inherent decency
Lucas Darden”
You set difficult task, Lucas. I’m not really a proponent of objective morality to begin with, and my dietary choices offers limited opportunity for vegetable dalliance, but a question is a question….so I’ll give it a shot.
(Ranked in descending order from Most to Least Decent. The Majority fruits and vegetables are fairly neutral, so I will emphasis the less reliable of their ilk.)
Vegetables/Fruits/Tubers ranked in order of their moral forthrightness
********
Beats Entropy: Pettiness Scale
February 19, 2008
Not a lot of people know this: I am currently serving five years probation for trapping three minstrels in a well. They weren’t great minstrels, and it was pretty big well, but such conduct is frowned upon in the nations capital. The exact charges levied were “engaging in thirsty deeds of anger” and “contralute’nal conduct”. The whole thing was a goddamn frame up[1], but my third rate Albanian lawyer sold me out for a roll of toilet paper and signed picture of Winnie Mandela.
I was hoping for leniency, but apparently my assertion that it was a momentary act of passion[2] was undermined by me having commissioned three blacksmiths to make huge farthings I could throw down onto them[3]. They (the courts) even disregarded my sweet “Minstrel cycle” defense[4].
As part of my rehabilitation I’m suppose to produce written proof that I am developing proper awareness of inappropriate behavior, and a increased ability to make value judgments. So I figure doing a objecting ranking of petty acts should qualify on both counts.
Thus I give you: The Beats Entropy Pettiness Scale.
Beats Entropy: Ignominious death scale
November 21, 2007
On the way back from Tim HortonsTM I was almost run down by a short bus. Paratranspo to be exact. While I proved nimble enough to avoid it, the near miss was harrowing on several levels. Aside from the universal aversion to being run over, there was a flash awareness of the ancillary negatives of being laid low by this particular vehicle; the intolerable irony of my body being mangled by the chariot of the lame. And how I could feel their crippled shameful joy, that I might soon be among them…like a crew of damned and handicapable pirates (1) eager to pressgang me into eternal servitude, shackled to an oar.
Worse still, were I to die, was the awareness that the colorfulness of my death would fuel decades of sick humor amongst my friends and ill wishers (2). I could hear their smug, winking, conversations at my funeral:
“Oh did you hear how it happened? He was run down by a short bus when he darted across the street for no reason. Tragic that he couldn’t dodge a transport driven by a retard(3); some athlete he was.”
Then they would laugh and try and disguise it as a mournful sob.
The whole thing brought to mind how important it is to die in the least dignity stripping way manageable. As a courtesy, between friends, I present you the Beats Entropy: Ignominious Death Scale. That you might arrange your own demise accordingly.
BEATS ENTROPY CREEPY SCALE
August 5, 2007
My friends and I like to play a game called Creepy touch…well I like to play it, my friends sort of endure it. The goal of this game is to transgress against the common boundaries of decency and personal space until they shudder and cringe away. Through this game, and years of intensive study, I have acquired a profound understanding of the fundaments of creepiness. Out of love and spite for you, my Children’s, I bring forth my knowledge that you might sup of it.
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Beats Entropy: Disappointment Scale
July 22, 2007
Hope is mile high ladder with no warning on the top step: we all fall off in time, question is how high we bothered climbing in the first place. Here at BE we are all about fine measurements and deflated achievement…thus we give you the -
Beats Entropy Disappointment Scale (that you might gauge your climb accordingly).
Beats Entropy Shame Scale
May 23, 2007
Earlier this morning a co-worker confessed that he was ashamed of a mistake that he’d made on his last call. When I pressured as to the exact level of shamedness he proved unable to quantify it. I dearly wanted to savour his sweet disgrace, but the lack of precise measure put me off my feed. It’s thus that I come up with an exact scale of shameful occurrence…that one might accurately convey how low they have fallen.
BEATS ENTROPY SHAME SCALE
0-Eatting a slice of delicious toast in the privacy of your own home
1-Having the slice of toast fall on the floor but eating it anyways
2-Farting at a public urinal
3-Forgetting your password in front of a Chinese Co-worker
4-Having your pants pulled down at a Harlem globe trotters game.
