Bristles; Chapter 2: Part 1
May 7, 2009
(Continued in Chapter 2: PART 2 and PART 3 and PART 4 and PART 5 )
It was ten past midnight and Danny had been digging for hours. His hands were blistered and raw; his worm bucket full and writhing.
“Now, Curl! Now” the Hedgehog screamed.
Danny flung down his shovel and pulled himself into as tight a ball as the small trench would allow. Loam and beetles filled his nostrils. The Hedgehog marched about the edge of the trench, a shadowy mole hill in the darkness, tutting and poking at Danny’s exposed neck and stomach with a stick.
“If I were a fox you’d be dead right now. You call that a ball….it’s barely a crouch! And where are your quills?”
Danny patted at the bare patch on his shirt where the pine needles had fallen out. Not for the first time he questioned the efficacy of the Hedgehogs self improvement regime.
“There was a tick…I’m pretty sure he was burrowing for my heart. I had to scratch it out”.
The Hedgehog scrambled down into the hole and began weaving fresh needles into the fabric of the sweater.
“Your lies are burrowing into my heart! What is the worth of a single quill?”
Danny sighed into the dirt.
“The same as the one next to it” Danny replied.
The Hedgehog inspected his repair before following up.
“And if there is no quill next to it?”
Danny considered not answering, but he knew the Hedgehog would wait all night for the correct reply.
“Then I might as well be a Hamster…fit for pleasure and nothing else. But I really don’t see how that appli…ahhhh!”
The hedgehog had whipped the pliable branch hard against Danny’s exposed ear.
“Hey, Spitvalve, you agreed to do things my way for a month. Don’t question my methods; do you want to turn your life around or not?”
Danny weighed his options. He couldn’t recall exactly why he’d thought a magic hedgehog’s instructions were worth following; but it had paid his back rent. And his life was definitely improvable.
“Yeah…I guess I do”
“Allright. Now get out my flashcards: we’re going over state capitals again” said the Hedgehog.
“It’s pitch black out and I’m Canadi…aaaahhhh, what was that for?”
“Flashcards!” snapped the Hedgehog, his quivering whipping branch raised in warning.
***
Continued in Chapter 2: Part 2
***
See chapter 1 for the beginning of the story: PART 1 and PART 2 and PART 3 and PART 4 and PART 5
May 8, 2009 at 2:28 pm
““Allright. Now get out my flashcards: we’re going over state capitals again” said the Hedgehog.”
I have no clue why the hedgehog demanding flashcard drills in a hole is so funny, but it is.
May 8, 2009 at 2:35 pm
“I have no clue why the hedgehog demanding flashcard drills in a hole is so funny, but it is.”
I’ve always been a fan or unreasonable demands made with total conviction. They are a close second to “petty acts made at huge personal cost just because” as my favorite kind of theoretical behavior. Though,in practice they’re less fun.
May 9, 2009 at 11:44 pm
“Then I might as well be a Hamster…fit for pleasure and nothing else.”
This is — I can’t even — the intrinsic hilarity — the suggestive hilarity — the absurdity — I spit water on to my computer screen…