Ask B.E: Animal Intern
April 6, 2009
If you had to hire some sort of animal to run your company (you know, for tax reasons) what sort of animal would you chose? And don’t say Beaver: work ethic aside, we know the kind of havoc those filthy mudpounders bring.
Peobo,
Nowheresville
Surprisingly good question, Peobo: while I don’t currently have a company, I am in the market for a cheap bachelor intern. Someone to scrub my Kraft dinner pots, spot me on the bench, and proof read my angry letters to celebrities. These activities are not solely the province of man, but not all beasts can handle the heat. I could write a masters thesis on the relative merits of each species, but in the interest of brevity, I’ll do a light dusting in chart form.
| ANIMAL | PROS |
|
CONS | ||
A COLONY OF ANTS |
Industrious creatures used to sacrificing personal ambition for the good of the whole. | Would almost certainly unionize, forcing me to purchase thousands of tiny billy clubs to equip the strikebreaking ladybugs I would hire.
|
|||
| ************************************* | ************** | ************** | |||
GIANT SLOTH |
|
|
|||
| *************************************** | *************** | * | * | **************** | |
OCTOPUS |
|
My constant wearing of it as a novelty hat to amuse friends would poison office dynamic.
|
|||
| **************************************** | *************** | * | * | **************** | |
A HUGE CROW |
1- Would give me air of menace I’ve been lacking since my adult contemporary album came out.
2- Could get into renaissance fairs free by claiming I’m Odin. |
1- Eyes as delicious as mine do not go uneaten
2. Should probably avoid additional bad omens until that gypsy in my basement stops weeping blood. |
April 7, 2009 at 12:47 am
“Skeevy hooked feet remind me of murderous hitchhiker from childhood tales.”
A truly irredeemable trait!
April 7, 2009 at 12:52 am
Like ladybugs would break a strike with or without the offer of sufficient clubs…
And seriously? As a HAT? I don’t even know what to say…
In general, the Giant Sloth gets my vote, skeevy hooked feet notwithstanding.
April 7, 2009 at 9:15 am
Odin is really working for me I say buy some hot shades and run with it.
April 7, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I heard Sweetie, Scooter and Felicia spreading some nasty rumours to the basement gypsy (among others) regarding your *unconventional* management practices.
April 7, 2009 at 12:44 pm
“I heard Sweetie, Scooter and Felicia spreading some nasty rumours to the basement gypsy (among others) regarding your *unconventional* management practices.”
Perhaps if my phone messages were given on time (or not torn to shreds) I could support a more lazziez fair attitude in the workplace. And to be honest: I highly doubt everone who calls me is saying “rwor row” despite Felicia’s protestations.
April 7, 2009 at 12:52 pm
“Like ladybugs would break a strike with or without the offer of sufficient clubs… ”
You are failing to take into account the intense natural rivalry between Ants and Ladybugs*. Don’t let name fool you: ladybugs are all man…and naturally inclined to swing a truncheon at unionist agitators.
*See: the Aphid wars of 1372 for details.
April 7, 2009 at 12:53 pm
“A truly irredeemable trait!”
There heads also look like under ripe coconuts.
April 7, 2009 at 12:53 pm
“Odin is really working for me I say buy some hot shades and run with it.”
Shades don’t really work with the required eye patch.
April 7, 2009 at 4:15 pm
As is illustrated by this time-lapse of an encounter between all three parties in question
http://www.pbase.com/antjes/lady_bug
I think the flaw in the plan is not femininity vs masculinity or even my underestimation of the historical hate-on between ants and ladybugs… I think it is apathy on the part of the ladybugs… Moreover, they truly benefit far more by letting the ants work and farm the aphids (unionized or no) – much less work for the ladybugs if they know where the farms are and the farms are running well… So, apathy and laziness and the almighty power of self-interest might make your truncheons less mighty than you might think…
April 7, 2009 at 4:35 pm
“So, apathy and laziness and the almighty power of self-interest might make your truncheons less mighty than you might think…”
Let me tell you something, Sulya…if that is your real name, all of that might apply if I didn’t happen have the largest Aphid farm this side of the southwest in the tunnels under my house (which I do). My red lacquered headbusters are well compensated for their efforts…as per the true tenants of capitalism.
April 7, 2009 at 7:52 pm
As per the true tenets capitalism you should well prepare yourself for someone to make your army a better offer. Those who profit from corporate espionage would do well to note here and now that the ants themselves might be very interested to know the extent and location of your farm.
And should you dare to again doubt my identity, sir, I would ask that you first remove me from the top of your head. I am no one’s hat and have been known to strangle when provoked. I do not wish another incident with the authorities.