My Diary: Why I can’t go to Bridgehead anymore
April 8, 2008
In my mental makeup decency is layered last, and predicated on sufficient rest. The AJ at large is kind, courteous, gentlemanly…but this is a sleep fuelled façade, held in place by social necessity, and daily habit. On this particular day I had not slept for a fortnight [1], and my better nature was frayed near through. In an effort to jump start my nervous system I went to bridgehead[2] to get some coffee. The visit went as such
7:15 am
I enter store. A large line of hippies, trendy government jerks, and bike couriers are ahead of me. The dreadlocked ( lame Caucasian kind) fellow in front of me has a burlap purse. I asked him “where can I buy a wicker purse like that”. He told me it was a hemp, and a satchel. I informed him it was only a satchel if it was filled with C-4, otherwise it was a purse…and hemp was only good for making inedible biscuits, and paper thin excuses to grow pot. He turned up his Ipod.
7:19 am
Though it is odd to admit it: While standing in line I discover I’m a little turned on by the dirty spoon bin. Something about strangers grabbing a hold them, using them up, then throwing them into a filthy pile together…where they lie exposed and entangled. I resolve to use stir sticks to avoid giving cheap voyeurs any sort of thrill.
7:20
These office chuds in front of me were discussing names for the band they wanted to form: I suggest “The Christ tighteners“…because that’s awesome. They said they would think about it. I suspected that they will not actually think about it. This angers me. I then suggest the name “Our drummer works in the finance department…and he’s the coolest one of us.” The drummer laughs…the others simmer with milk warm anger.
7:21
The attractive, blunt shoed, cashier chick is arguing quietly with her barista girlfriend. The drummer behind me suggests gays are temperamentally unsuited to customers service positions. I demand that he respect her, as lesbians are natures toothbrush. The incredulous cashier overhears and is laughing despite her anger. To her credit: my coffee arrives promptly and untampered.
7:23
I use three spoons and splash a little coffee into the bin. The Lesbarsita see me and knows my secret shame.
***
[1] I didn’t go twenty days without sleep…I was just up all night building a fort.
[2] This sort of hippy fair trade coffee place. It’s next to my work…I prefer Tim Hortons.
April 8, 2008 at 11:36 am
“I didn’t go twenty days without sleep…I was just up all night building a fort.”
This somehow tempers some of the random, if amusing, hostility infused in this piece. The idea of you curled up in couch fort, muttering obscenities, humanizing you.
April 8, 2008 at 11:47 am
I like the word Lesbarsita.
And also, a fortnight is fourteen days and nights, not twenty…
April 8, 2008 at 12:00 pm
” a fortnight is fourteen days and nights, not twenty…”
I buy them in bulk, so I get a few extra days for free.
April 8, 2008 at 12:20 pm
I’m torn between savage amusement at the awkwardness you forced upon the bandgeeks and indignation at the phrase “Lesbians are nature’s toothbrush” …or maybe I’m just disturbed by the image.
I wonder though, are these things you honestly say and their actual fallout, or is it the subliteral fantasy narration you imagine as you stand in line glaring bitterly at those who irritate you and holding your peace?
I usually imagine saying forthright and clever things to irritating strangers and end up just chucking soggy fries at them as they pass me in the foodcourt. It’s an odd combination of cowardess and courage, mine.
April 8, 2008 at 12:25 pm
” I wonder though, are these things you honestly say and their actual fallout, or is it the subliteral fantasy narration you imagine as you stand in line glaring ”
To be honest: I’ve lost the ability to distinguish between the two.
April 8, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Oh he says it, and that is the fallout.
And Timmies rocks.
April 8, 2008 at 11:43 pm
“lesbians are natures toothbrush”.
Thank christ you’re back.
April 10, 2008 at 10:06 am
I have mornings like this as well, but I’m fairly certain most of it goes on in my head.
I liked this piece. Though I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to go to Bridgehead again … as it sounded like a fairly interesting way to start a morning.
April 10, 2008 at 11:48 am
“I informed him it was only a satchel if it was filled with C-4″
You’re my kind of geek even though you seriously underestimate the utility of hemp.
April 14, 2008 at 1:42 am
As much as I enjoy this piece, Bridgehead is the only coffee chain that has decent food.
Although, the Timmies’ chili in a bread bowl is pretty damned good.
April 22, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I miss Bridgehead… hug a hippie for me.
April 30, 2008 at 10:59 am
I’m sorry. I had to stop at “trendy government jerks.”
Isn’t that an oxymoron?