Ask B.E.: Why 4 my blog ain’t no good?
January 24, 2008
We here, at Beats Entropy, try our best to answer all reader correspondence. Due to the (literally) thousands of letters we receive, this proves difficult, emotionally draining, and physically debilitative. Yet we do it…because Poppa AJ loves you. On occasion we receive a question that requires an answer too lengthy for letter day, and too helpful to be given on the lowdown.
Loyal Reader Mike Relatively suggested the following
“I demand an Ask AJ column where we can write in and ask AJ how to deal with the day to day events of our lives.
Make it so”
So, in an effort to placate the rabbling masses, we shall undertake just such an endeavor. Send your life questions here and we will attempt to elucidate and efficifise your difficulties.
This first column will be dedicated to subject we are asked about daily. While the phrasings and senders vary, the query breaks down as : Dear BE; how come nobody likes my blog?
(I will refrain from pointing out the specific blog(s) in question, as our intent is to edify, not shame.)
WHY FOR MY BLOG AIN”T NO GOOD?
In the interest of brevity I will mention only a few of the more glaring faults. Concision in derision, people; if you must be cruel, be quick.
Reason #1 : YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID
The entry requirements for the blogoverse compare quite favorably with operating a light switch. This ease of entry has empowered people, who would be overmatched mumbling their thoughts on a crowded bus, to throw their hat into the cyber journalism arena. Entry, however, is not execution. It takes more than a spellchecker and prefab HTML to transform Joe Slub into Johnny Quickwit.
The ugly truth is the majority of people are: Notsmart, to, Painfully Fucking stupid. The egalitarian nature of blogging means the demographic spread is fairly representative of the general public. Conservatively, 25% of bloggers are: slow, to stopped. This proves a substantial impediment to effective discourse.
Solutions:
Be upfront about your limitations. Title your Blog: Thoughts from a retard, or Duh!. Cultivate the pity normally reserved for misshapen animals and special children; it is your only ally in this endeavor. Perhaps post some of the hamfisted drawing you scrawl on notebook covers, and in the blank pages of novels you can’t read.
The main thing is to embrace your unsmartness and learn to work within it. There is nothing wrong with being a tad low wattage, but don’t expect to power a city.
—————-
Reason #2: YOU CAN’T WRITE FOR SHIT (No Voice)
Writing is hard. It is a talent few posses, and a skill that is broad and elusive. Depending on the mandate of your blog, there is a basic standard of artfulness required to resonate with a casual reader. This isn’t your diary: you can’t just piss down your feelings and expect people to be sorry when you’re gone. Now I can’t give you an example of this, as I am too damn eloquent, but wooden prose is not that hard to find.
If you lack more than two of the following you should not be creating work for public consumption
-
- The technical ability of an 8th grade, b+, English student
- A store of at least four non-cliché similes’
- A basic sense of meter and tone
- At genuine desire to have a point, 3 paragraphs out 5.
- The forbearance to only use words you fully understand
- Innate verbal ability, and a “ear” for written language
- The self respect to never use an emotiocon outside of an instant message
- A sense of humor that doesn’t elicit the uncollapsing of batons
- An erg of ironic sensibility
- Sufficient wit to hustle a coke machine
- Transmittable charisma (this can hide a lot of technical faults..trust me)
Solutions:
Put down the keyboard, pick up a book. Cultivate an appreciation for the subtleties of the English language. Even if you can’t improve your skills, at least try and develop some empathy for the prose you’ve brutalized in the past. Awareness of the harm you’ve done will make you less likely to victimize helpless verbiage in the future.
If you must continue to post during the reformative period, there are few measures you can undertake to limit the damage inflicted on the general populous.
-
- Keep it short. Focusing your mental energies on a single paragraph (perhaps a series of sincere apologies for past lingual wrongs) will best allow you to maximize your talents.
- Wire up a shock collar to go off when you use an exclamation mark, or depress the CAPSLOCK key.
- Train a helper monkey to savagely attack, should you type the phrases “All in all”, “It is decidedly” , and “Biased agenda”.
- Put a password on your Blog… and tell no one.
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Reason #3: Your “blog” is a collection of videos, links, and summaries of others peoples thoughts
Chimps can point and hoot at something they like, or dislike; they are neither critics, nor advocates. If you cannot provide commentary that elevates (or substantially clarifies) the reference, you rank somewhere between a tattered phone book and a infected Lamprey. It is the literary equivalent of being that asshole that uses Simpson’s and movies quotes in lieu of actual witty banter. Don’t be that asshole.
Solution:
Either put forth something original ,or, accept the fact you have nothing to contribute and take up another hobby. Perhaps you could photocopy favorite passages from books and hand them out at bus stops.
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Reason #4: Your life is insipid and depressing, as are you.
The hard truth: Your blog is as cool as you are. At best. I realize this runs contrary to the social purpose of the internet, but I cannot lie to my childrens. You can fake a background, persona, and physical dimensions; you cannot fake the ease and rhythm of effective social behavior. Charm, confidence, and style (the aggregate of which we shall refer to as cool from hereon) is innate and irreducible in those that have it, and totally outside experience for those that do not.
It breaks down like this: If people do not enjoy your company in real life, then they are unlikely to enjoy your blog. Now, real life cool still needs wit, originalty, and writing ability to translate through a more abstracted medium…but you at least have shot at being engaging.
If you are a skeevy little douche that barks an awkward laugh when girls make eye contact, and has a wet fish handshake that inevitably wilts into a creepy touch…then that will stain the tone of every post you make.
If you are a whining prick that badmouths every peripheral contact in your life, since you can’t take accountability for your own poor choices, then that heavy bitterness will pervade the lightest of friendly banter.
If you are sleazy shyster that cuts in line, bullies employees, and can’t go five seconds without bring up your net worth, then you could write a glowing essay on Nelson Mandela and still have the cry of the Scumfucker bird ring out in the background.
On the plus side: if you are an absurdly likeable, covertly decent, clever bastard, you can race bait, make rape jokes, and repeatedly claim to abuse your pets, and internet ladies will still throw their panties at you.
Solution:
Relax; be yourself. There is little you can do to change this, so you might as well write in a way that entertains you. A little deprecation is helpful, too. Awareness, and wry acknowledgement, of personality flaws goes a long way toward forgiving them. Pure affect, even shifty unlikable pure affect, is very compelling. If you are loathsome human being be upfront, explore that perspective. Artistic validity trades a good deal higher than social facility.
January 24, 2008 at 2:06 pm
“It is the literary equivalent of being that asshole that uses Simpson’s and movies quotes in lieu of actual witty banter.”
So can you use a movie or Simpson’s quote once in a while without being an asshole, or is it never? (I have used more than my fair share of Simpson’s quotes.)
” If you are a skeevy little douche
…
and still have the cry of the Scumfucker bird ring out in the background.”
Why are you picking on me?
January 24, 2008 at 2:10 pm
“So can you use a movie or Simpson’s quote once in a while without being an asshole, or is it never?”
Nothing wrong with reference much loved pop culture occasionally, it’s just a not substitute for clever conversation.
*Note: There was a blatant act of editorial reconing used just a second a ago. It involved glass houses, and my inabilty to effectively proof read my own work.
January 24, 2008 at 2:13 pm
“Cultivate the pity normally reserved for misshapen animals and special children; it is your only ally in this endeavor”
Favorite AJ quote of 2008.
January 24, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Great, now I have to go back and check all of my posts to make sure that you haven’t changed any of my comments to such things as:
“Gee, I hope no one looks in my freezer, like ever.”
and/or
“I have a pony because children like ponies.”
You know I don’t like it when the cops show up at my door, I have no freakin’ clue why they are there, and they want to search my freezer.
I won’t let you spoil the sanctity of my freezer again Valliant.
*Though your musky wiles, and handsome visage, make me instantly forgive all of the above complaints. regardless of any future comment I make to the contrary*
January 24, 2008 at 5:31 pm
“There is nothing wrong with being a tad low wattage, but don’t expect to power a city.”
Haha, excellent. I shall have to use that on some poor unsuspecting soul this year.
January 24, 2008 at 6:04 pm
I’m so torn. Though my wish was granted, apparently I should shut down my blog. You are a sharp duel edged sword Poppa A.J.
January 24, 2008 at 6:04 pm
While you come across as an arogant prick in that article this did make me laugh
“A sense of humor that doesn’t elicit the uncollapsing of batons ”
You should consider putting that wit towards a more positive venture, instead of using it to tear people down.
January 24, 2008 at 6:08 pm
“I’m so torn. Though my wish was granted, apparently I should shut down my blog”
No, you should not. This is a near perfect picture.
http://relativelygeneric.com/2008/01/19/take-flight/#respond
“You are a sharp duel edged sword Poppa A.J.”
Poppa AJ takes in blood, what he gives in words.
January 24, 2008 at 6:17 pm
“While you come across as an arogant prick in that article this did make me laugh ”
There is a perverse satisfaction to simultaneously alienating and amusing someone.
January 24, 2008 at 6:33 pm
“you come across as an arrogant prick”
Imagine a line of razor wire braided with dental floss and pulled taunt across the infinite precipice of the abyss - this is the line between arrogant prick and elitist libertarian that our fearless leader walks.
“You should consider putting that wit towards a more positive venture, instead of using it to tear people down”
Oh, but Mr. Valliant does inspire. He inspired me to throw a rock at a tone deaf beat-poet just the other day.
January 24, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Does anyone else think AJ looks as if he stepped off the set of Brokeback Mountain in that pic?
What the hell you holding in your hand, Poppa? Looks like a huge olive. Or perhaps a girl’s cherry. Maybe an anal bead.
January 24, 2008 at 9:57 pm
“Does anyone else think AJ looks as if he stepped off the set of Brokeback Mountain in that pic?”
We were going to keep it as a surprise, it’s actually a picture from the set of ‘Brokeback Mountain 2: Out of closet and into the plains.’
AJ plays the lead Jeb Herod, whose not just gay, he’s openly gay.
In this scene Jeb has been confronted by a group of homophobic cowboys who are questioning his masculinity.
Jeb (as played by AJ): Yes, thats right, I’m gay and so is my horse. In fact my horse isn’t only gay, he’s into all sorts of fucked up shit. Now I’m going to throw this bowling ball at you before letting my perverse horse enjoy your fractured body.
January 24, 2008 at 10:49 pm
“We were going to keep it as a surprise, it’s actually a picture from the set of ‘Brokeback Mountain 2: Out of closet and into the plains.’
AJ plays the lead Jeb Herod, whose not just gay, he’s openly gay.
In this scene Jeb has been confronted by a group of homophobic cowboys who are questioning his masculinity.
Jeb (as played by AJ): Yes, thats right, I’m gay and so is my horse. In fact my horse isn’t only gay, he’s into all sorts of fucked up shit. Now I’m going to throw this bowling ball at you before letting my perverse horse enjoy your fractured body.”
*Standing and Clapping*
Bravo!!! Bravo!!! I smell an Oscar
*Solitary tear rolls down my face*
I’ve often wondered how they approached Heath Ledger about that role.
Casting Agent: “Hey Heath, baby, listen have I got a role for you. All the A listers want it, and they are offering it to you.
Heath: “Oh yeah, what is it?”
Casting Agent: “Gay cowboy. What do you think of that hunh? Pretty cool eh!”
Heath: “Umm I don’t know. Who’s my love interest?”
Casting Agent: “We were thinking, okay get this, Josh Hartnett. BAM!!! What do you think of that?”
Heath: “Yeah, well….No, I’m not really interested”
Casting Agent: “How about Sean William Scott?”
Heath: “Tempting, but no. I’d laugh too much.”
Casting Agent: “Harison Ford?”
Heath: “God no. I’ll kill the poor guy. He’ll die from a heart attack”
Casting Agent: “Umm, well I think all we have left is Jake Gyllenhaal”
Heath: “I’ll do it for free. See ya Monday.”
January 25, 2008 at 10:52 am
“Perhaps you could photocopy favorite passages from books and hand them out at bus stops.”
I found this proposition oddly inspiring. Blogging aside I would argue this is something everyone should try diong at least once in their lives.
Also - loved the douche descriptions. The “cry of the Scumfucker bird” bit was a classic.
PS
wormwood: “razorwire braided with dental floss, pulled taunt across the infinite precipice of the abyss” … tee-hee … reading that made my innards tickle.
January 25, 2008 at 11:02 am
I know you’re writing about me and that’s just mean.
Also, you’re totally jealous.
January 25, 2008 at 12:38 pm
“I know you’re writing about me and that’s just mean.”
I would never slander my base. Though, I am wracked with crippling jealously.
January 26, 2008 at 12:53 am
I’m your base? I kinda like that.
You’re always welcome on the dark side, AJ.
We have snacks.
January 28, 2008 at 3:06 pm
yes, but they’re low calorie snacks.
—
did anyone see that godhatesfags protesting of Heath Ledger’s funeral because he plays a gay cowboy? The video is going around Facebook.
I had to get the fiancée to turn down the volume because it was making me so angry. Like, wtf people?
Next thing they are going to be protesting the Valliant because of him Tom of Finland pics.
January 28, 2008 at 6:14 pm
I wrote about that here, Engtech.
http://eatmyfuckingstilettos.wordpress.com/2008/01/25/with-christians-like-these/
But I have not seen the actual video. So you’re telling me those mofos went ahead and did it? Oh, don’t make me mad now, not right before I eat!
January 28, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Wait. Back up. Fiancee? Engtech, you are engaged? Yay! When are the festivities?
January 28, 2008 at 11:21 pm
“did anyone see that godhatesfags protesting of Heath Ledger’s funeral because he plays a gay cowboy? The video is going around Facebook.
I had to get the fiancée to turn down the volume because it was making me so angry. Like, wtf people?
Next thing they are going to be protesting the Valliant because of him Tom of Finland pics.”
>_> I commented on “AJ Valliant: 70s whoremonger” before reading this. Damn you and your beating me to my popcult references!
January 29, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Bravo.
“On the plus side: if you are an absurdly likeable, covertly decent, clever bastard, you can race bait, make rape jokes, and repeatedly claim to abuse your pets, and internet ladies will still throw their panties at you.”
I don’t wear panties. Try again.