Things I learned Last Year:
January 2, 2008
At Work
- My professionalism unpredictably ebbs and flows relative to my level of caffination.
- I rarely have the correct level of caffination
- And I quote “A dress code is a not a challenge, AJ. Just put on some shoes and we will ignore the rest”.
- Growing mug fungus cannot be justified as an HR intiative; nor can the resulting standoff with building services be defused by claming it’s “the moldy happenstance of my poisoned loins”.
- I would pretty much have to kill a guy to get fired.
In the Bathroom
- If I try to stand on my hands and urinate I will piss in my own face every time (as I do to not have a free hand available to make requisite directional adjustments).
- I am not strong enough to do a one armed hand stand; attempting such can have unpleasant consequences in a porcelain rich environment.
- My engineering skills are not sufficient to rig up an elaborate teeth drawn pulley system, without incurring signifigant physical trauma.
- I should probably have one of those life helpers they give Retards At Large.
On The Internet
- Commensurate with the principles of meritocracy: captioning a cat photo with broken English is the highest art form of our era.
- Commensurate with the principles of reciprocity: I’m going to start stomping the heads of any kitten I see in a amusing pose.
- If you grow a Red Mullet the ladies will flock to you (see above)
Matters Metaphysical
- Wrestling my grandfathers ghost to the ground does not entitle me to his estate.
- Sometimes an emerging third eye is just a unibrow growing in.
- Karma is not only a bitch, she’s a whore and a liar.
- Zeus does not drive a large white van, enjoy grape popsicles, and delight in giving full body massages on demand.
- Never join a cult with your boss
January 2, 2008 at 5:02 pm
“Never join a cult with your boss”
amen
January 2, 2008 at 5:14 pm
“A dress code is a not a challenge, AJ. Just put on some shoes and we will ignore the rest”.
I find you so entertaining.
January 2, 2008 at 5:34 pm
I don’t know…even if you kill the guy they may not give you the pink slip. I’m not suggesting you try it, but still….
January 2, 2008 at 6:01 pm
“If you grow a Red Mullet the ladies will flock to you (see above)”
and those ladies will be sisters…
…your sisters.
January 2, 2008 at 6:08 pm
In regards to the picture posted above the “mullet” comment.
AJ, there is no reason to poke fun at your cousin Auberdine and his sisters.
Sure they are a little ‘close’ for relatives, and sure Auberdine may have a red mullet in addition the Valliant devilish good looks, but that’s no reason to post his picture on the internet without his consent!
Susy-Lynn-Amy, and Darlene-Dory-Anne-Sue are both lovely people, and love their brother Auberdine very much.
Granted, maybe too much, but still, have a heart!
January 2, 2008 at 10:17 pm
I find it kinda scary how good AJ looks in a mullet. Hook that man up with a pack of cigs flipped up on his arm and an IROC pronto.
January 3, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I love the mullet picture … I think I just might print it out (full page blow-up) and pin it on a wall in my cubicle … *ponders*
January 3, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Yeah, that mullet pic… that seems awfully familiar. A little too familiar. I’m calling your mom to cross reference with her pics.
January 3, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I reckon y’all better shut your mouths before I git my pa to blast y’all with ‘is shat gun. That there is what we do to folks who mess with family.
January 3, 2008 at 4:10 pm
The photos in this post alone tell such a haunting tale… such a haunting tale.
January 4, 2008 at 11:48 am
That’s quite a colorful mold collection. I had no idea you were such a fungus aficionado. Now if you’ll excuse me I am going to go get a red mullet
January 5, 2008 at 1:44 pm
You look bizarrely like my Uncle with a red mullet…and the lady on the left, like his fiance. Disquieting.
Also, you might try the one handed hand stand with a spotter.
January 11, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Oh my god…you look like a guy I did in seventh grade!
The red mullet, arghhhhh! It’s like the insane beating of the tell tale heart! I’m having flashbacks, I can’t breathe, I’m choking, oh yeah, please tell me you licked that girl’s fine navel.
January 11, 2008 at 10:13 pm
“Karma is not only a bitch, she’s a whore and a liar.”
How narrow of you to assume that such vindictiveness comes from a woman…misogynist!
January 11, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Karma is not a whore…Jesus was! And he’s fooled us all!
January 11, 2008 at 10:15 pm
And he was probably gay, which makes him a bitch, and a liar!