Beats Entropy: Disappointment Scale
July 22, 2007
Hope is mile high ladder with no warning on the top step: we all fall off in time, question is how high we bothered climbing in the first place. Here at BE we are all about fine measurements and deflated achievement…thus we give you the -
Beats Entropy Disappointment Scale (that you might gauge your climb accordingly).
- 0- Eating a piece of delicious toast.
- 1- Getting your hopes up for a piece of delicious toast, yet having to make due with the misshapen breadheel cringing at the bottom of the bag.
- 2- Pulling on comfortable sock that has unexpected hole in toe.
- 3- Going in for a handful and encountering a bra stuffed with tissue.
- 4- The first time you have sex.
- 5- Only having enough milk to moisten the bowl of cereal you just poured.
- 6- A congenial stranger waves at you, so you wave happily back thinking you made
a new friend…only they were waving at some dude behind you.
- 7- The moment you realize that were you much smaller your pet would happily kill and eat you…so it’s probably just bidding it’s time, waiting for a weak moment.
- 8- Witnessing a narrowly avoided car accident outside your window.
- 9- The first time one of those “I love, I love not” flowers ripped your heart out. [1]
- 10- Doing the right thing being its own reward.
- 11- Having what felt like a satisfying crap, only it’s so hydrodynamic it slipped down the drain before you could catch a gander at it…robbing you of the closure and certainty a viewing would provide[2].
- 12- Turns out Santa Clause doesn’t give presents to poor people.
- 13- Lets just be friends.
- 14- Finding out a promised moustache ride is to be down a perilous mountain trail… on an actual giant ambulatory moustache[3].
- 15- Two weeks into dating the girl of your dreams.
- 16- Rifling through your Dads special drawer and discovering every video is homebrewed art house porn of fat aunt Cecilia. [4]
- 17- Your wife (to be) waiting until you are at the alter to reveal she is actually your arch nemesis in disguise [5].
- 18- Going in for a handful and encountering a bra stuffed with murderous scorpions.
- 19- Finding out your best friends was a low life Narc who gained your trust so he can bring down the syndicate you worked so hard to build.
- 20- Praying away Cancer [6].
**************
[1] You don’t know me flower! You don’t know the first fucking thing about my life.
[2] This has honestly spawned mini existential crisis’s where I question whether a thing can posses substantive reality if only experienced via one sense.[3] I assume it would kind of undulate along in bristly inchworm fashion.a thing can posses substantive reality if own experienced via one sense.
[4] The Disgust and Shame Quotient is actually much higher than Disappointment in this case. If you watch the whole thing bump it three points (due to the self disappointment that would accompany such an act).
[5] Minus three points if you always sort of had a thing for your arch nemesis.
[6] Well….attempting to do so. Successfully praying away Cancer would be like a 4 on this scale (only because: where do you go from there?)
July 22, 2007 at 7:05 pm
#5 is so much awesome! The worst part is, once a tiny bit of milk has splashed onto the cereal, it can’t be safely poured back into the package, and it won’t keep til you run to the store for more milk.
I’ve had many a morning ruined by under-milked fruity pebbles.
July 22, 2007 at 7:17 pm
Does #17 mean the wedding is off?
[How much time do you do if they bust you breaking open a mailbox to withdraw previously mailed invitations?]
July 22, 2007 at 7:19 pm
Max: Of course the wedding isn’t off! AJ and I are still to be married. As soon as we meet, and he falls in love with me. Then he’ll be mine all mine!!
muhahuhaaaahaha
(I never did get the hang of the evil laugh)
July 22, 2007 at 7:57 pm
“Does #17 mean the wedding is off?”
Depends on wether the caterer has been paid.
July 22, 2007 at 7:58 pm
Bagel: I’m not really the marrying kind.
July 22, 2007 at 8:14 pm
Number 7 is scarily true.
July 22, 2007 at 8:28 pm
“Depends on wether the caterer has been paid.”
Well not exactly “paid.” I gave him your weights as collateral against a deposit though….
July 22, 2007 at 11:34 pm
“18- Going in for a handful and encountering a bra stuffed with murderous scorpions. ”
Look. Sometimes, certain measures need to be taken to protect oneself from overzealous advances and lowered inhibitions. It’s usually nothing personal. Now…if it’s a handful of puppies with rabies, I think you can fairly take that as a direct insult.
July 23, 2007 at 1:58 am
AJ: It’s ok, I’m already married anyway
July 23, 2007 at 9:10 am
I keep telling you man…I wasn’t a Narc…it was that other guy. You know the one with the limp…and the comb over, even though we were in 9th grade.
July 23, 2007 at 10:11 am
AJ: I keep getting these phone calls from a Mr. JJ Vallon… Something about the DJ wants his money or else he’ll keep that Poison CD you wanted him play for the first dance…
July 23, 2007 at 11:28 am
I concur, no.7 holds more truth than one might think.
No.15 is also pretty fly, although I would venture that being dumped by the girl of your dreams who did not cease to be one after the said two week period is probably in the 17 to 18 points range.
Footnote [2] made me giggle like a Japanese school girl.
July 23, 2007 at 12:02 pm
“You don’t know me flower! You don’t know the first fucking thing about my life.”
AJ - I laugh every time I read this cuz I can just hear you saying it!
July 23, 2007 at 12:57 pm
The funny thing is, that flower really DOES know a lot about his life.
AJ, if you would only stop pouring your heart out to every flower you pass by then maybe they’d stop judging you so.
July 24, 2007 at 12:51 pm
I like how every system of quantitative value that AJ uses seems to start with a base of delicious toast.
July 24, 2007 at 2:38 pm
This explains the day he smuggled toast out of Ada’s in his pocket.
July 24, 2007 at 2:38 pm
… and brought it to the movies with him.
July 24, 2007 at 4:58 pm
Sabra… you beat me to it. The footnote to #9 is even funnier because I can hear AJ’s voice saying it.
Amazing disappointment scale AJ! Helarious.
July 24, 2007 at 8:09 pm
“I like how every system of quantitative value that AJ uses seems to start with a base of delicious toast.”
Because toast is the only pure and blameless thing in this world. It is from that state of inoffensive breakfast grace than all thing lesser things descend.
July 25, 2007 at 4:25 am
“Because toast is the only pure and blameless thing in this world.”
Wow, that is exactly what the guy said to me last time I got toasted and smeared in butter. Serendipity.
July 25, 2007 at 7:33 am
If toast is pure, what is fresh bread, it’s precurser? What comes before pure? If you eat your bread without toasting, are you robbing it of its only chance to achieve purity, which is perhaps a noble goal instead of a natural state of origin? Or are you just consuming some form of foetal purity, not yet developed enough to be worth the trouble?
July 25, 2007 at 8:19 am
Bread is born in a state of Sin then is purfied by the righteous heat of the toaster. Four slice toasters impart extra decency…any more than a four slicer pushes you dangerously close to Icarian hubris.
July 25, 2007 at 9:20 am
What about melba toast?
July 25, 2007 at 10:31 am
I never realized my toaster was such an engine of piety and penitence. But it makes so much sense now…
July 25, 2007 at 4:44 pm
“…purified by the righteous heat of the toaster.”
Amen.
July 25, 2007 at 4:54 pm
I love to start my day with a hot buttered slice.
July 26, 2007 at 1:34 am
Hm…my toaster might be a scary fundamentalist. It either burns or produces warm, yet still limp, bread.
July 26, 2007 at 8:25 am
Maybe you just don’t know how to work it.
July 26, 2007 at 10:03 am
Alas, my clumsy failed attempts at toaster handling have been unearthed. This is worse than the time someone chucked me out of bed for breaking his johnson and then rented a billboard on which to commemorate the event :(
July 27, 2007 at 3:27 am
Okay I so want a billboard like that. I am in awe, Bare.