Beats Entropy

8. Buying, wrapping and putting away holiday gifts well ahead of time is a great way to reduce stress on the holidays, except when giving pets.

7. Holiday season starts promptly on December 1st. Going grocery shopping on a Saturday afternoon in December is therefore NEVER a good idea.

6. No matter how much your loved one might need this, some gifts are better left ungiven.

Besides, the ladies see right through this sham …. err … or so I’ve been told.

5. Listing ‘booze’ on your holiday wish list more than three times is typically interpreted as a cry for help.

4. Slipping LSD to kids before they go to sit on Santa’s lap is only funny until you get caught. On a related note, apparently in ‘prison culture’ giving kids illicit drugs is right up there with pedophilia on the popularity list.

3. Certain unconventional holiday traditions can get one into a bit of hot water at office Christmas parties. Also, as a point of information, a peanut M&M fired from a hunting grade slingshot at a target inside 6 feet is capable of breaking the skin.

2. When severely intoxicated, bubblegum vending machines and condom vending machines look despairingly similar. However, one can really hurt oneself trying to blow a latex bubble.

1. The expression ‘made with love’ does not refer to an actual ingredient. Also, gingerbread with semen in it burns faster.