Beats Entropy

…………………

Well, when we last left Tex, Seamus (and for reason I don’t entirely recall some preacher) were trussed up and dragged down to the courthouse, to stand before the one and only Hiram T. Pinchbach, “The Hanging Judge”. Start at the beginning.

The judge called the court to order with one stern glare, then set his awful eye on Tex and Seamus. “Am I to understand, Mr. Barstow, that you will be providing your own legal representation?” said the judge, in his low judgely growl.

Tex glowered back at the judge “You understand correct, Seamus as well. And ‘Tex’ will do me just fine.”

The judge cleared his throat, then looked down at the cringing Seamus. “How bout you boy? You good with being tried with, and defended by, this filthy sidewinder?”

“Well,” Seamus began, only to be interrupted by Tex. “Ain’t no cause to talk to him, he’s just fine with it. Look at ‘im.” Seamus nodded in helpless approval.

The judge shrugged indifferently, ” Fine. Hang together for all I care.”

——————————————————————

Hunching up buzzard like in his robes, the judge scanned the courtroom. “Now where’s that big city, sissy boy, Yankee prosecutor at?”

John E. Smythe, of the New York City Smythe’s, sat impatiently as the prosecutors table until the judge finally acknowledged his presence. “Your honor, I intend to prove that these men are guilty of a vast array of crimes, indecent acts, and general affronts against human decency. Mr. Barstow alone is being charged with over 17 counts of murder, 43 counts of theft, and 114 sundry offenses; all of which he has consented to being tried on simultaneously.”

The judge, clearly bored, leaned towards Tex, “Does the defense has any objection to this?”

Tex picked at his teeth with splinter he’d pulled from the desk. “Seems a might low by my count, but I ain’t never been one to sweat the details. “

The prosecutor was taken aback by the easy admission. “So you admit to killing all the those men?”

Tex rolled a contemptuous gaze over the Prosecutor. “I don’t know; which men? I mean I probably killed some them, but my memory ain’t what it was.”

Smythe rubbed his soft city boy hands together gleefully. “Eli Campbell? Do you remember killing him? Because someone matching your description beat him to death with a boat oar in front of the Black Boar Tavern.”

Tex scratched at his stubble and half grinned in fond recollection. “Yeah, I ‘member that. Must gone through three boat oars before the honery bastard would stay down. In my defense though I wasn’t tryin’ to kill him, I was just trying to knock him out so I could get with his wife.”

Seamus jumped up excitedly. “He even signed the boat oar and gave it to some kids that was watching.”

Tex seemed a little embarrassed about his softer side being on display. “Well one of them ran to fetch a third oar after I gone through the two I’d brought. Figured I owed ‘em that much.”

The judge nodded his head appreciatively “Damn decent of you Tex, but I have to say it ain’t helping your case.”

——————————————————————————————

The slick Yankee prosecutor, feeling his momentum building, decided to go right for the kill. “Your Honor, I would like to call one Seamus… uh, there’s only a first name on the court documents.”

Seamus made his way to the stands, stopping to offer in way of explanation: “Tex lost my last name in poker game years back sir. He said Seamus was more than I deserved anyways, so’s I just kept it this way.”

Smythe decided against pursuing the matter. “How long have you know Mr. Barstow for?”

Seamus scrunched his face, “I ain’t so good with numbers, but I figure ‘bout as long as you been having sex with your father.”

Tex snorted a unexpected laugh. “Shit Seamus, you quick today.”

Smythe puffed up affrontedly. “Seamus, in all the time you have known Tex, have you ever seen him commit a murder?”

Seamus seemed confused by the obvious question. “He Tex. I’m surprised he ain’t kill’n right now.”

Tex shrugged half apologetically, “Well, it’s a small town. You gotta pace yourself.”

The smug, preening, Yankee prosecutor seemed bout ready to clean the cream from his whiskers. “The prosecution rest your Honor.”

Judge Pinchbach could be seen clearly measuring out a length of rope behind the bench. “You got any legal wranglin’ you want to engage in, Tex?”

Tex stepped out from behind the table and stretched out his stiff back. “I suppose so Judge; I’m calling that gutless, big city, New York Prosecutor to the stand for questioning.”

Smythe leapt to his feet at the outrageous request. “”What? This makes no sense! I have nothing to do with the charges at hand.”

The Judge paused in his noose looping. “I’ll allow it.”

——————————————————————————–

The bailiff escorted Smythe to the witness box. Tex circled a few times, then walked up so’s he was face to face with the prosecutor turned witness.

“How does that feel?” asked Tex.

Smythe stared at Tex contemptuously. “How does what fee…”

Tex blasted him the gut. “That,” said Tex triumphantly, followed by “HEeeyayhahahayayaa!”

Smythe emitted a low horfing noise, followed by a gutless whimpering.

Judge Pinchbach shook his head in disgust , “Answer the question counsel.”

Smythe look at the judge in pained incredulity, seeing no remittance he answered in a low wheeze, “Pretty bad.”

Tex hooked his thumbs in behind his belt, then asked with deepest curiosity, “Really, well how bout this?”. The thump of fist against kidneys sent Seamus into peels of wild laughter.

Judge Pinchbach looked down skeptically at Tex. “Mr. Barstow, where are going with this line of questioning? “

Tex grinned up at the judge. “Jus trying to establish that city boys can’t take a punch, your Judgeship.”

The judge nodded in understanding. “Point made,” then motioned to prosecutor to take his seat. Turning back to Tex the Judge asked “Do you have anything to say in pursuit of your defense Barstow?”

Tex shook his head. “Naw, I reckon I’m guilty as all hell. Sides which I’m bout ready hang myself if’n I have to hang round this dump much longer.”

Never one to hedge about Hiram T. Pinchbach gave his judgement. “I find you, M. ‘Tex’ Barstow, guilty as charged. You and Seamus will hang at dawn.”

To be continued in “Streets of old Laredo 5: Dying ain’t easy”

Previous episodes

1. Enter Bolegwemiss
2. We’s a fightin’
3. The Hangin’ Judge
4. The Aformentioned Hanging Judge
5. The Conclusionation