Beats Entropy

A recent power vacuum has left my workplace in a state of disarray. My direct manager, and several other higher ups, were dismissed at last for gross incompetence. While Initially a source of good tidings the trickle down effects of this regime change soon proved calamitous. It’s seems one of the first issues discussed by the new bosses was my recent battlefield promotion to supervisor, in spite of my Limited technical skills. The entire team, and I, were called into a conference room to sort things out.

A forest of twill and cheap silk suits filled the narrow room; every pointdexter and pencil pansy I’d every come against was there to witness my undoing. In the center of the suckling mass of petty bureaucrats was our CEO (Name redacted for legal purposes).” So, AJ, I’ve been looking over some of the initiatives you’ve launched and I’m a little concerned about how you are utilizing your staff resources.” A dozen shanks were loosened in the sheaves of my loyal workers. “Beyond those specific issues I couldn’t help but notice you had no management experience prior to this new position”. A low, angry woodchuck like, keen issued from my panicked employees. I calmed them with stern gaze then replied to the CEO’s slanderous, if accurate, charges. “Yeah. So?” He met my glare and made his judgement “well unless you can show some reason not to, I’m going to have to appoint a more qualified person to your role”. The jackals licked their chops; a dramatic display of leadership was needed.

“Bring me the ten mightiest Kings of Europe and I will battle them one by one.” I demanded. Our CEO laid a calculating gaze on all parties, then nodded to his secretary.Three Kings were summoned and brought before me. To be honest it was at least two more than I expected them to have on hand, yet I remained undeterred.

The first “Monarch” was a spindly, thin shanked, ferret of man, who’s darting eyes were slick with fear. The force of my slap rung the windows and blasted the moustache clean off his face. “You have the bearing of an Earl. Pretender!” I condemned, before hoisting the lanky landowner over my head, sending him crashing through the window to the ground below. “Where are my Kings” I snarled.

A clarion sounded and King Olaf “Hands of stone” Gustofson pushed his way through the ring of onlookers, sans retinue. His beard writhed and twitched like summer barley in the wind “I have seen you teams performance review Mr Valliant, most unimpressive”. A hiss went through the crowd, the mailroom Sasquatch lunged towards Olaf but I stilled him with a raised hand. “If you have an issue with my team, your majesty, I suggest you address the appropriate chain of command” I replied, punctuating the remark with four feet of ½ inch galvanized links upside his head. He absorbed the blow without comment.

The King and I clashed, then retreated, then clashed again for the better part of an hour. A ham sized fist crashed in my ribs, brooms full of bristles were torn from his cheeks, I was flung stiff legged through three walls and a white board. “Do you have so little for Olaf” he bellowed, charging into the breach after me. A permanent marker driven into his ear, then snapped off, took the edge from his anger, the toxic toluene vapours summoning rainbow dreams of a broken future from his visual cortex. Knee after knee pounded his skull until he lay limp before me, the dreamt of future brought forth.

A whispered chant of “Regicide, Regicide”, slow at first, grew louder and more insistent. The partially debearded King knelt before me, “Do what you will” he intoned gravely. The mob clamoured for his head but I would have none of it “You fought bravely Olaf, go back to your home, but take care to speak well of the workers of floor six”. He nodded then made his exit.

The CEO surveyed the carnage, wiped the blood and beard bits from his brow, and gave me a nod of approval. The middle management jackals, much like the third unnamed King you probably thought I forget, slunk away in silence. I addressed my troops “Come Monday there will be changes. Forms to be filled out, accounts to be paid, scores to be settled..but today, today we dance. And dance we did.

Office adventures in chronological order

• Duplictious Cripples
• Limited Technical Skills
• To Kill a King
• The Seige
• Bring your Kid to Work Day